Grieving You

The words “You don’t know until you experience it” ring truer now than ever before. I have lost a lot in my life. Although grief has been a kind of constant companion it was not until I recently lost my grandmother that I got to truly experience the depth of grief and loss. Many of us experience loss but fail to truly feel it. We have to feel safe enough to feel it. The heart-wrenching feeling that reaches through your whole body. It is as if someone is scraping the love I had for her out of my body, over and over again. My throat aches at the thought of her and the tears are ever-present.

As my body and mind try to comprehend a world without you, I crumble. This truly is a time of worst-case scenarios. I now imagine all the next steps of my life that you will no longer be present for. My wedding, future graduations, when I have children. They won’t know the love you gave me they won’t get to experience your presence as I did. All of the family holidays, birthdays, and vacations are all changes forever. You are no longer present for them, you are gone.

How do I define myself without you here? What will fill this space in my life that you have filled for so long. The grief you held for me as a child has now rushed back into me. You took the space my father once filled and with you gone I can feel that loss, a loss too great for a child to feel.

I no longer feel protected but vulnerable and open. Although part of me is excited for the future another part of my feels a sense of guilt in being able to imagine a life without you. I know this guilt is not needed but it is still there. What will fill this hole that is left in my life without you?

I now understand how stupid it is to say to someone at the beginning of grief that, “They are in a better place”. I know this but it does not help the pain I am in and feeling. Knowing they are in a better place does not make it easier for me to understand my world without them. It does not honor my feelings of pain. I understand now that when someone is in the beginning of grief the best thing to say is almost nothing but just to be there with them. Instinctively we say sorry and although I cringe a bit at this, I understand that there is very little else to say.

I continue to look for signs that you are still here, connected me to me in a new way. Every day since you have been gone, I have looked at the clock and it is 11:11. I take this as a sign. When I cry and I feel like I am being gutted, I still call out for you. Maybe you are present. A psychic once told me the rush of emotions often means you are close by.

I hope you are at peace and that you are still near me. I know my journey will be redefining how I know you and how I can live without you. It will be finding ways I can still hold on to you even when you are gone. It will be honouring the emotions as they arise and reminding myself that vulnerability is courage. It will be talking to you like I used to and believing you can someone still hear me. I do not believe that it is at death we do part. It will be continuing to do things that honour you and knowing you are still proud.

Missing you and loving you forever and always Gramma.

Reach Out For Support If You Are Struggling with Grief

Kylie Feller is a Clinical Counsellor and Life Coach. She is passionate about helping people come back into alignment with their True Self. She specializes in dating, relationships, trauma, transitions, anxiety and depression. To connect with Kylie you can email her, contact her through social media or reach her through the newsletter sign up.

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