Newly Single? How To Transition Into Dating and Find True Happiness


I understand how hard it can be to be single when you are used to always being in a relationship. You may be a serial dater or maybe you just got out of a serious relationship.

Either way, it can be a shock when entering the new dating world and adjusting to not having someone with you. When you are in a relationship it’s like having a best friend with you all the time.

Often your other friends fall to the side and your partner becomes your number one. It can feel very jarring to be on your own.

It can be painful the loneliness of being alone. And this loneliness is exacerbated if you have a lack of social support including close friends and if you are not particularly kind to yourself. When you truly love yourself and your company the loneliness decreases along with the pain.

When we first separate with someone through it can be excruciating, the emotional pain is almost worse than physical pain. You can feel your heart breaking through your chest and stomach. It can take your breath and life force away. We may yearn for the one we lost and indeed the ending of a relationship is like a death and it comes with a lot of grief.

It can be hard to go through the grief and some may try to avoid these feelings by jumping into a new relationship right away. This may end the temporary pain but if you keep dating people that will hurt you and never actually sit down to feel, process and get clear on what you want in your life you will prolong the pain and most likely have to go through another breakup and waste a lot of time.

There is nothing in itself wrong with moving into a new relationship soon after a breakup, but you do want to make sure you are getting into a relationship with the right person for the right reasons.

Too many people make the mistake of jumping into a relationship with someone because they want the pain to end not because this new person is the person they truly want to be with. They may project their desires onto the person and fail to see who they are jumping into bed with.

If you find you have a pattern of one relationship to the next it’s important to take some time to reflect on why the last relationship did not go well. What caused it to end? Do you have a pattern of dating people where it is doomed to not work? Do you date emotionally unavailable people? Are you emotionally unavailable? What is going on to make your relationships end and don’t you want to stop this from happening?

To stop this from happening we need to take a minute and reflect. To dig deep and take an honest look at ourselves and our patterns. I know we often resist this because there is this belief in our culture that love is supposed to conquer all and so we resist doing the work. Also, that if we open the door to feeling deeply it may never close, you don’t have to fear this. Only resisting emotions make them last longer.

I did this until I realized I did not want to date another person who would not add value to my life and provide me with the best chance of success. I did not want to go through another break up again, so I started to use my psychology background to find out why this was happening and what I needed to change to truly find the right person for me.

The pain of the last breakup started to disappear and as I dug into the research and theories related to dating and relationships, I started to gain some grounding and did not feel so lost. I knew I had a history of trauma and I knew this must have been impacting me and my choice in men. I also knew I was very attracted to the worst guys, guys that made me feel horrible about myself and always withheld love.

I found attachment theory that helped me understand I had an insecure attachment (anxious attachment) which made me become attracted to the opposite insecure attachment (avoidant). With this theory, I could see how my thoughts and behaviours were textbooks and that I needed to find someone who had a secure attachment, someone who was emotionally stable and open to love.

While I searched and remained open to this new form of relationship, I also worked on myself so I would be open to and be able to recognize someone who is secure. I also wanted to work to make myself more secure so I could be the best partner possible also.

The more secure we become and the more we love ourselves the more we attract these people into our lives. I knew I needed to take the time to work on this. I was empowered in so many areas of my life except when it came to relationships and romantic intimacy.

As I worked on myself, I started to piece together a new way of dating and being in the world. I also reconnected with some of my close friends and started to do the things I loved and worked on my career. I let go of the thoughts about guys. I stopped worrying about finding the one and instead trusted this would happen but for now, I needed to focus on me.

One of the keys to be single and happy is to trust that love is out there, and you just have to keep showing up but to show up as your best self. To commit to working on yourself and putting in the work and to let the Universe work out the rest.

You can’t think or worry yourself into a relationship. When you are consumed with worry and anxiety about being alone you emit the worst energy. You become blind and unable to truly see the world around you. You lose out on the present moment.

Here are some key truths that will help you be happily Single:

  1. Commit To Loving You

Allow this time to be a true love story, the story of how you fell head over heels in love with yourself. Now, this may feel like a hard feat for some but start with being “willing” to fall in love with yourself. Up your career game and commit to discovering and finding the things that fill you up.

Too often we lose ourselves in our relationships we give up our friends, hobbies, yoga classes, etc. Often our partner will push for this but when we do it can destroy the relationship. You need to keep the things in your life that fill you up and not lose yourself in the relationship. This puts unneeded pressure on the relationship, and you will lose the things the other person found so attractive about you when they first met you, your independence, commitment to yourself, etc.

So, take this time to find the things that fill you up, join a dance class, dinner with the girls, sports teams, yoga pass, etc. Get out there and have some fun and socialize.

  1. 2. Trust the Universe:

You don’t have to believe in God to believe in something larger than yourself. When I am feeling overwhelmed, I like to give it up to the Universe. To trust that things will work out in the end and I don’t have to overthink it. I just have to show up each day and do my best.

When you are able to surrender your worry and fears you are able to show up as your best self. Worry and fear drain all your happiness, creativity and motivation. It can take your spark away when you are paralyzed by fear and worry.

The fear of being alone and never finding the one is a big fear and to think it does nothing good for you and your health. You will find someone if you want to just keep showing up and committing to do the work that gets you back in alignment with your best self.

  1. 3. Be Present

True happiness is in the present moment. We can lose out on this when we get stuck in the past or the future. Our brain have a hard time being present but the practice of mindfulness and mediation can help you stay present. Using your senses and breath are great ways to keep you in the present and to remind yourself to let go of the thoughts that pull you out of it.

When you break up with an ex your brain will flood you with positive memories of them in an attempt to reconnect with your attachment figure, this is your attachment system wiring, It will flood you with the positive and make you forget the negative, all the reasons it did not work. Your ex is your ex for a reason.

It can be helpful to list the negatives or the consequences of your past relationships to bring you back to the present and to let go of the fantasy especially when it was overall a toxic and unhealthy relationship.

You may miss the way you felt in a relationship and you may miss some positive memories, but you can cultivate these feelings yourself. Commit to being in the present moment it’s all we really have, don’t take it for granted.

  1. 4. Do The Work:

Don’t be shy about gaining some more info about healthy relationships. Grab some books written by great authors such as Attached, Insecure In love or listen to some podcasts.

Empower yourself with this subject to gain some new insight and knowledge about what a healthy relationship looks like and how you become the best version of yourself. Do the healing you need to attract and notice a healthy relationship that will last.

Treat dating like a learning opportunity to find the things you need to work on. Notice what your red flags are, why are they your red flags and what you need to do to heal it. Learn about healthy communication and practice it.

Learn what your boundaries area and practice them. Practice having real and honest conversations with people. Find out what your beliefs and values are, are they serving you? How can you find out what the person you are dating values are? How can you tell if they will add value to your life?

There are also lots of courses, coaches and counselors that could help you navigate this stage of your life in a healthy and productive way. Many of us never had a healthy relationship modeled to us and thus it is up to us to do the work to create this for ourselves.

It can be hard to rewire our beliefs that were formed from a young age but it can be done. It takes consciously noticing what we need to do and then doing it.

  1. 5. Get Clear On What You Want

What do you want your life to look like? How do you want to feel? What are your goals? Career goals? Family Goals? Mental Health Goals? What would your life look like if you were flourishing and thriving? Do you want to have children? Where do you want to live?

How do you want to be loved? What is important to you? Why? Do you want to settle down but keep dating people that don’t? Do you want to have kids but you are scared to tell the person you are dating you do? Get clear on what you want and then clearly communicate this to the people you are dating.

Only let people into your life if they are in alignment with where you want your life to go. You will only know this if you take the time to realize what you want out of life and what you want your life to look like. This doesn’t mean you don’t have some flexibility with life but have an idea of where you want to go.

Time goes so quickly and understanding what you really want to accomplish in this life will help you make decisions in all areas of your life. When faced with a decision you can ask yourself does this serve my larger goal or no?

We enter into relationships not to complete you but instead aim to enter a relationship complete. You are the one who controls your emotions, thoughts, feeling, and behavior. You control your story and how things impact you.

Whether you no it or not your life is your choice.

As a child, we did not have a choice which can lead to learned helplessness in adulthood but as an adult, you have a choice.

Choose happiness, choose people who make you feel good, choose courageous love. Commit to living a life that is alignment with your greatest vision. When you become happy and make yourself a priority life will flow.

If this transition feels overwhelming please feel free to reach out to me for some extra support and guidance. I am launching a program called Swipe Right Into Loving Yourself which will give you all the information, resources, and clarity to help you navigate dating.

Reach out for a free discovery call today or join our newsletter to hear about promotions, program launches and exclusive content and tips that will help you flourish and thrive in life and in your relationships.

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Kylie Feller is a Clinical Counsellor and Life Coach. She is passionate about helping people come back into alignment with their True Self. She specializes in dating, relationships, trauma, transitions, anxiety and depression. To connect with Kylie you can email her, contact her through social media or reach her through the newsletter sign up.

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